Thursday, January 25, 2007
hey ppl.. so long never post already... haix.. but really got something to say.. heehee.. anyway.. erm... yup.. its about yesterday's the bible study.. it is very short.. but to me.. its really impactful.. in wat way?? hmmm.. alot of ways.. we learnt 3 points..
1. Significance
2. Self-worth
3. Security
these 3 poiints.. i were struggling.. throughout my whole life.. and i think abt it... i really cried beri beri badly.. ya.. sorry.. to scare u all.. that i cry suddenly.. wahaha.. yup... its abt my life... wats abt my life.. a little infor abt my family back ground... i used to hav a loving father and mother.. i still remember.. last time my mother will always bring me to my grandma place. i remember once.. that was like i was nursery? something like tat.. i bathe finish.. my mum was drying me wif towel.. then i asked her.. Mummy... wat do u wan me to call u? Mummy? mama? or mum? i ask her these question.. she replied. Anything u like to call me.. i will still response..
not only tat.. when she was sick... already beri skinny.. she still read story books to me!!! she still hav e strength to scold my brothers.. she spent her night.. sleeping wif me.. making sure that im not cold at night. but ever since she went into hospital... i didnt see her.. maybe once.. twice.. i couldnt remember.. but i know im scared.. and sad.. cos... i see needles everywhere... i scare i hav hurt her... slowly.. i neber see her again.. at the funeral.. i still dunno wats wrong... y is like.. i cannot see my mum? where is my mummy? someone who is so beautiful... work as a beautian somemore.. well loved by family and friends..
where is she?? i was wondering... if God neber plan it? then y Lord let it be done? why mus He take away my mum... i jus wan love... is that hard to ask for?? and wat abt my dad? i remember last time he will always buy me kickapoo... he will feed me with porridge.. someone who wans a daughter.. hope to hav.. when he hab me.. where is he?? now... i hav not seen him for 6 to 7 yrs...
does he ever care? ppl say every parents love their child? is that true? i dun think so... i dun wan a horrible dad like him!! i dun wan.. i wan someone who will shower love for me.. replacing mum's love... haix... all i wan is that.. is that beri much to ask for?? God... y do i hav this kind of family.. i used to get jealous.. when i see a family so fun and loving.. i do go out with my friend's family.. seeing how the parents love and care for e child..
God also answer most of my questions.. y do i fall in love for the older guys.. i used to like.. all like 20 plus.. like tat.. hmmm... i realise i lack of security.. i always tot that maybe older guys can giv me e love that i wan.. they got everything.. they will protect me.. haha.. so naive of me... u mus be thinking.. y i am such a person... talking about self=worth? i dun think i hav... i hate myself badly. i really hated myself.. used to cut myself.. always crying alone... asking.. Y do i hav this kind of life? Y is God depriving me from love.. i was desperate... dun be surprise that i got alot of ex.. really.. i was like... super depressed... somemore yesterday i lose a lot of things.. make me feel so fustrated.. i look myself in e mirror.. i was like.. eeee.. im so ugly.. tats wat i think.. significance.., hmmm.. hav u ask.. "who am i"??
not really.. but i do ask.. y am i born into this world? y cant my mum abort me.. y is my mum gone? where is my family... i always asked tat when i was like beri beri sad.. real sad.. when all these were in my mind... i will keep crying... Cos... Im really tired... i dunno how to love.. God teaches me.. Through Jesus.. then i will know e Father.. and Through e Father.. then i will ecperience love.. i was like feeling so empty in my heart and mind.. dunno wat to do... is tat wat u called.. emotionally breakdown and spiritually dryness... no matter how many times i ask God to filled me up... i neber felt a thing.. its really very sad,, somemore its like.. to me.. right.. when i got an distinction.. what my family will do is.. ORH.. GOOD LOR.. thats all.. thats all..!!!
i did try to tell them... how much i hunger for love.. they didnt understand.. they jus think i was being immature in thinking.. and ya... thats wat they thinnk.. No one felt e loneliness in me.. in school.. im not beri well=loved.. in family too.. everyone treats me like an enemy.. last time was worst.. now a bit better. u know when i felt tat.. how much i wanted to end my life.. Cos.. no one understand my feelings.. NO ONE CARE! thats me.. r u surprised? i try hard to make myself happy.. but after all.. i will make myself sad again... Sec 1 tat time.. i totally got no friends.. i was sit by myself in a corner.. we can sit wif someone u wan to sit with.. but i was alone.. shelve in a corner.. recess time go with who? alone lor.. haix.. that really my past.. i doubt anyone understand... but... i know one.. who really love me.. who really wants to know my everything... desire for personal experience with me.. that is Our Father..
Daddy, im sorry i hav neglected u at times... im sorry if i have sinned.. will u pls forgive me? will u still love me again??Spiritual Guitarist
|| 10:30 AM @ WARFARE Arrived ||
